I’ve never given much thought to what will happen to my parents stuff when they are gone. Mainly because I don’t care about their stuff. I care about them, and I don’t like to think about a life without them in it.
I got a very different perspective when my sister-in-law and her husband were visiting us last week. After dinner, and a few glasses of wine, they started talking about all of the things they felt should be theirs when my in-laws are gone.
The antique table and the glasses from Italy and the China dishes from WWII. This is not the first conversation I’ve sat through on the topic of stuff.
“I don’t understand why mom and dad don’t give us the boat, they don’t even use it.”
“Why did this cousin get more money then we did when they got married.”
“Grandma and Grandpa paid for so and so’s downpayment on their house, we didn’t get anything.”
Ugh.
I can’t stand this.
My husband and I share a similar view. We don’t care as much about things. We have spent no time thinking about what we want when our parents are gone. Most of all, we don’t feel like we are owed anything.
For me, I think this sentiment comes from my parents.
My parents were given nothing in their lives. They worked extremely hard to get where they are today. This is something I respect.
My dad lost both of his parents before I was born. My mom never met her dad and was in and out of foster are for most of her early years.
My parents were never given a down payment for their home, they had no help with RESP’s for me and my siblings and they received virtually nothing in terms of inheritance.
When their parents did pass they each had siblings who were consumed with getting the few possessions that their parents had left behind.
There was fighting.
My parents stayed out of it.
The result, they missed out on my grandmas tee cups, an old t.v. and some family heirlooms.
For some, this might matter.
For my parents, not so much.
What was more important to my mom and dad was staying out of the bickering about the “things” and maintaining family relationships that they valued much more.
A lesson that will serve you well in life is that no one owes you anything. The earlier you learn this, the better.
No one owes you anything.
Chances are you didn’t do anything to earn your grandmas favourite jewelry or your grandfathers stamp collection, if that’s what you’re into.
You didn’t contribute to the mortgage on your parents house or assist them with their investments. Just because you liked your grandmas grand piano and played it at Christmas, doesn’t mean you deserve to own it when she’s gone.
Perspective and gratitude.
Instead of focusing on the things you might get in the future why don’t you focus on the people you love in the present.
As you look back on your life I can guarantee that you will cherish the stories and wisdom that your parents and grandparents shared far more then the gifts they gave and the things they left behind.
Things will mean more to you when you work really hard for them.
Have you ever noticed that the kids who pay for university, or contribute in some way, seem to care a bit more and try a bit harder?
Maybe they don’t skip class as much or drop out of a course as easily. This is because they value their education more. It wasn’t just handed to them, or forced upon them. They decided that their education was worth working really hard for.
When you understand the value of a dollar and how hard you have to work to earn it you tend to have more follow through and you tend to take better care of your things.
You will feel proud and accomplished.
When you work hard for something and really feel like you have earned your accomplishment you will feel a sense of pride.
This feel really good.
When you achieve something that required a ton of grit, focus and sacrifice it’s good for your self esteem. You have proved to yourself that you can do what you set your mind to.
You won’t worry as much about what you can get from others because you realize you can go out and get it for yourself.
So, if you ever find yourself in an awkward or heated conversation about who is going to get what when grandma is gone…take a step back and think about what is really important.
Instead of fighting over Grandma’s ceramic doll collection why don’t you take her out for lunch or spend some time learning a little bit more about her. It’s these memories that you will truly cherish.
I want to hear from you. Have you ever been part of an uncomfortable conversation or confrontation about who is going to get what when a loved one is gone? How did you deal with it?
References:
Cover Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash
My brother and I looked at our inheritance a little differently. We were both already millionaires when our dad died, from living frugally and investing. Our mom and his wife of 63 years had died three years prior. Dad was open with their finances and we knew we would receive about $ one million each when he passed. His Parkinson’s was so debilitating that it was not as sad as death might have been since it freed him from that torment. I saw the money as something I’d hand down to my kids some day, I already had saved and invested more than we needed. My brother felt he needed it for retirement because he had a little less saved than me. Most of the stuff was sold in an estate sale after the family had picked a few keepsakes. There were no arguments, no fights over dividing the estate. We trusted each other like family, because that’s what families do. My three grown kids are money savvy and will not need their future seven figure inheritances any more than I did. If they teach their kids well then they won’t need it either.
Steveark, you make a great point. If you children already feel financially secure then there likely won’t be as many issues over who gets what. Another important reason for everyone to become financially literate.
Ugh that sort of entitlement drives me nuts! Especially when it comes to heirlooms and money. My sisters have a bit of that entitlement unfortunately, but I just try and stay out of it.